names for babies
I don't think I will ever have children. In high school I wanted to have twenty, so this must be the other end of the pendulum. In any case, there was this song
Don't look so sad, Marina, there's another part to play
Don't look so sad, Marina; save it for a rainy day
by the Jayhawks. It was popular when I was a senior in college. Marina instantly entered the ranks of favorite names for me.
Juno
Wren
Ruby
Thea
Poppy
Marina.
I don't talk about this with my parents. I think it hurt my mom's feelings the only time I intimated I might not want to have kids.
For my writing and making life, the idea of having children, of being married--even of living with someone, and sometimes even dating someone--is frightening because of the expectation I feel to give up my private life (words and things).
Virginia Woolf writes, in her essay/speech/book A Room of One's Own, "All I could do was to offer you an opinion upon one minor point—a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction; and that, as you will see, leaves the great problem of the true nature of woman and the true nature of fiction unsolved." That 'room of her own' is something that, in our culture, we do not easily afford to women. Especially married women. Especially women with children. But even girlfriends, I think, feel this pressure. (I'm speaking in terms of heterosexual relationships, here, because that is where my experience lies. I would be really interested to hear opinions on how this dynamic does/not play out in homosexual relationships, especially between women. I'm also interested in how the dynamic plays out in any relationships.)
And many women don't afford it to ourselves, either--we call ourselves selfish or bad housekeepers or silly if we acknowledge the need for this kind of private life. Creation is essentially (at its base; in its essence) a solitary act. Real, thoughtful making requires the maker to have time alone to process, to question, to experiment. It requires a place for those things--a private place. In the end, maybe the woman-artist-own place thing is difficult or dangerous in our culture because it gives power and creedence to the work women do.
My work consumes me. I don't have room to consider another way right now--a way that would make me choose between writing and art and people. I can't make any judgment on women who have chosen to have children. I am always astounded by all the ways they manage their responsibilities and their loves. Maybe I am just too young to have this make sense.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I have just been thinking about this a lot lately, while I write my supporting papers for my thesis.
Don't look so sad, Marina, there's another part to play
Don't look so sad, Marina; save it for a rainy day
by the Jayhawks. It was popular when I was a senior in college. Marina instantly entered the ranks of favorite names for me.
Juno
Wren
Ruby
Thea
Poppy
Marina.
I don't talk about this with my parents. I think it hurt my mom's feelings the only time I intimated I might not want to have kids.
For my writing and making life, the idea of having children, of being married--even of living with someone, and sometimes even dating someone--is frightening because of the expectation I feel to give up my private life (words and things).
Virginia Woolf writes, in her essay/speech/book A Room of One's Own, "All I could do was to offer you an opinion upon one minor point—a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction; and that, as you will see, leaves the great problem of the true nature of woman and the true nature of fiction unsolved." That 'room of her own' is something that, in our culture, we do not easily afford to women. Especially married women. Especially women with children. But even girlfriends, I think, feel this pressure. (I'm speaking in terms of heterosexual relationships, here, because that is where my experience lies. I would be really interested to hear opinions on how this dynamic does/not play out in homosexual relationships, especially between women. I'm also interested in how the dynamic plays out in any relationships.)
And many women don't afford it to ourselves, either--we call ourselves selfish or bad housekeepers or silly if we acknowledge the need for this kind of private life. Creation is essentially (at its base; in its essence) a solitary act. Real, thoughtful making requires the maker to have time alone to process, to question, to experiment. It requires a place for those things--a private place. In the end, maybe the woman-artist-own place thing is difficult or dangerous in our culture because it gives power and creedence to the work women do.
My work consumes me. I don't have room to consider another way right now--a way that would make me choose between writing and art and people. I can't make any judgment on women who have chosen to have children. I am always astounded by all the ways they manage their responsibilities and their loves. Maybe I am just too young to have this make sense.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I have just been thinking about this a lot lately, while I write my supporting papers for my thesis.
posted by eireann at 9:35 AM
4 Comments:
this is a subject that has often consumed me... thank you for sharing your thoughts.... [very similar - although i may be changing my tune???]
I think also that part of this is being in the really tight place of grad school--and also being so young. There is no time for things like families here. At least not for me. I am not one for absolutes, though, and so I can see changing my mind in the future. I also understand really viscerally the wonder and closeness and awe of marriage and children--as sacraments! But I'm not there yet. Who knows.
As Walt Whitman said, "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large; I contain multitudes."
This is hitting very close to home for me. I am married and have two littles. And i ADORE them, and regret not a single moment of time i give them. HOWEVER, i sometimes feel dispair because in order to persue my creative endevors, i usually have to wait til the kids are asleep, so end up staying up way too late. Then i have to get up early in teh morning and do it al over again. I am a sleep deprived mad woman.Today for example, i am operating on 3 hours of sleep. Not pretty.
This is not to say that my husband is not VERY supportive of my creativity. But there are moments when i am all alone in my art room and i imagine what it would be like if the only reposnsibilty i had was to myself and my art....bliss. Finding a balance is hard. But my family is amazing and i wouldn't change a thing. Yet i envy women with a room of their own, too. I would love to hae more time to be FREE. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to remain free!!! You just have to follow the path that feels truest to your hearts desire :)
27: I know what you mean about even solitude from yourself. I'm pretty good at taking the scraps of time out of my life to write in but this semester I have been so angsty and anxious because I feel like I am always cramming it in and I really think it is because of the daily stuff--teaching comp, taking classes, paperwork, etc. And you make a good point about the changed platform to write from. I suppose here the fear of the unknown is a factor for me, too.
Amanda: :)
I worry more about the societal pressures on women, I think, than about individual women. Which might be bad. But I'm a theorist like that. ;) I worry about the way we EXPECT women (rather than men, usually) to be the ones to give things like private lives up. I think a lot, too, about how our work (making work, writing work) can be devalued because it doesn't fit into the norm of 'go out, work 8 hours, come home.' I work all day, every day--some at home, some at school--and I am tired at 6 p.m. (or later, whenever the day is over). But sometimes my boyfriend really irks me--he wants me to make dinner, do stuff for him because he's been at work all day and I've been home. Well, I've been working, too. You know? Writing and making IS my work.
Hmm.... . . . .
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